I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
