Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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