I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
