I think I won the penis lottery.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I did not marry a roomba.
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