morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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