it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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