and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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