I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
