When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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