I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
