His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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