Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
