i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
