my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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