I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
