Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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