Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
