I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
