Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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