I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i dont even know how to be here
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
3 2 1 whiskey
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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