Taylor Swift is so right about you.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
