I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
