go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
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