my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
