mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
