After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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