sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
