I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
