dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
