I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
