Whats the glycemic index on semen?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
