Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.