Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't