I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Randomize
