your parents love me but you hate me
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
