i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
