Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
