There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
