38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
