I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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