we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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