so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
