apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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