no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
