also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Congratulations! We have a period
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
