you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
