Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
21 MILFs That Made The Boys Crazy
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.