I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
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She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
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Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.