After last night, I could never be a politician.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
where are you?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants