When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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