forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
