his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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