peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
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