At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
