i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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