While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
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at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
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After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
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