I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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