I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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