i barfeds in our rink
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
